I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
