I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
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