whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
