Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
