about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
