Im at strip club and am horny
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
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