i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
