Where did you get a picture of my penis
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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