remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
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