I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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