he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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