she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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