So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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