its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
