meet me or not, i'm out of control
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
