you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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