i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
