I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
