Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
