just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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