It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
third nipple confirmed
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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