dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
