Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
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