i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
