I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
