you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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