I murdered the dance floor call the cops
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
