I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
