Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
