I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
