I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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