ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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