you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
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