Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
