I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
how drunk are you?
Several
Randomize
