why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
you told grandpa to call you daddy
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Randomize
