apparently the secret to your success is patron
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
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