ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
