someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Duck Duck Cougar?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Randomize
