Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
