i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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