i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
