I wish I could teleport
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
