If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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