I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
