it's too hot outside to masturbate.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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