When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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