I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
