I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
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