When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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