so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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