new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
