capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
