you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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