I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
